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I've decided to go back to taking Zoloft... or my Zoloft generic equivalent. Although I wasn't sure they helped much last year when I took them, I think they really did. I remember when I first started Contra Dancing, 11 months ago, I would get up and ask any woman to dance, no matter how young and pretty she was. Now though, I usually only have the courage to ask the older ladies, or ones I've danced with many times. I even sort of asked a girl out last October. A pretty girl. And didn't care. Now just thinking about it makes me feel embarrassed. No one likes a person without confidence. Women really don't. And I need the confidence if I'm going to get through school. I have to do this. I have to get a better job. I need help, and medication is the only place I can get it right now.
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I think I have decided to give up on V.K.. I think its fairly clear neither of us is willing to commit in the way that would be necessary for us to be together. She won't move here, and ME Studies aren't offered in WI, so I can't go there. There was never any real passion between us, except in one night of furious back and forth emailing. We've never even flirted. Never discussed anything remotely sexual. I'm sure this is all my fault of course. Every woman I get close to slips through my fingers like trying to grab smoke. Sometimes I think god is punishing me for the way that I mistreated L.H., and that I will never be with a woman again.
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It seems this is destined to be my "whine about women" blog. I don't know why women should take up so much of my thinking. Marriage, of all things, preoccupies me much of the time. Obviously it has simply been too long since I was in a relationship. I think after a few months living with someone again I would remember how miserable and squalid it all is. I like VK very much, but I labor under an immense feeling of inadequacy where she is concerned. We are the same age, but I am essentially where I was when I graduated high school, while she is a college graduate, immensely talented, professional, and grown up. I'll be lucky to have my Bachelors in three years, up to my eyes in student loans, still in pursuit of a Masters. From our emails, I know we both want long term relationships, but how can I offer her that shared future? Having offered it, how could I hope for her to accept? This is beside the fact that I do not really know if she is at all romantically inclined towards me. Anymore. She seemed quite inclined that way before she visited, but I haven't heard much about it since. WS thinks I've been given mixed signals, but she is protective of me, and I don't know. Perhaps I am the one giving mixed signals and she is simply reacting to them. Certainly my abrupt departure outside the Mirage was confusing enough in all conscience. I have told her several times that I missed talking to her when we have been out of contact for a few days, and not received any reply. Now, I don't expect anyone to miss talking to me, I am an indifferent interlocutor at best - however, I assume anyone who liked me might do so. I am no longer quite the open, ingenuous soul I was a few years ago, when I could openly express all my feelings for a woman with no fear of the consequences. I have suffered too many disappointments of late - I am now more cautious, feeling my way blindly, hoping for positive reactions to such small comments as liking and missing. The other day I was so happy to tell her how my university choices might not be as limited as I thought, but when she asked me where I wanted to go, the words "somewhere nearer you" stuck in my throat. If a simple "I like you very much" and "I missed you" elicit no response, how could I say something so much larger? I don't consider myself extraordinarily hungry for affection, but there are only so many times I can tell her she is wonderful or that I like her, or that I missed her without receiving any replies. Some sign of affection is necessary to me though. Is that crazy? Indeed, so far the most affectionate thing I can remember her saying to me was when she called me silly for buying new clothes for dinner. Silly. I had never heard such a beautiful word. Essentially, I don't know how she sees me. Am I a romantic interest or merely a good friend? Before she came here, I should have said the former, with many hypotheticals about us being together. But since she visited, nothing. I am no fool, and I know that if she disliked me, she wouldn't talk to me at all, but I find myself in need of more than simply knowing that I am not disliked. I wish I knew what she wanted of me.
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Last night I stopped at the store to get something to eat, and when I went to start my car, it gave a groan and reluctantly started. Then i stopped to get gas, and afterwards it wouldn't start at all... so I had to push my car into an empty parking space. I called my dad to get his advice, since I know nothing at all about cars, and he said the battery was just dead, to call my sister and see if she could give me a jump. She didn't have jumper cables, so I called my brother. When I asked him, he groaned in a way that made it obvious he *really* didn't want to help me right then, but said he had some and he'd look for them. Then my sister said to tell him nevermind, that I could drive her car to work the next day and then buy some jumper cables. This I did. So I drove my sister's car to work, and I had to pick her up when I got off... but traffic was awful on the freeway and she was pissed at me for not finding some alternate route to take and taking so long to get there. Then I could tell she didn't want to do the jumping, because she wanted my brother to come down and do it. I knew how to do it but apparently she doesn't trust my automotive skills. My brother was at the bar and declined to come down. By the time we finally started the jump he had showed up though, and when he said I needed better jumper cables and I replied I was too broke, he gave me a hundred dollars to get them or a battery. I told him I didn't need it, but he said if I did, use it, if not, give it back, but to get the battery tested. So I drove back to Autozone to get my battery tested, but while I was driving I noticed that the volt-meter-thingy was at zero, when it ought to be above twelve... and my tachometer was jumping up and down crazily. So before I shut off the engine I called my dad and explained to him, and he said it sounded like the alternator was bad. Check the fan belt. Still there? The fan's running? and the alternator? Then the alternator was bad. Get home as soon as I could because it was going to die. I asked him how much it'd be to replace the alternator and he said around 200. So fuck. I'm already insanely broke. And its Christmas. Now this. As I was driving home, my speedometer stopped even showing me going any speed... it said zero when I was doing 35. Dad said the juice to the electronics were going and to get home quick. I made it home, running a stop sign because I was so afraid that it'd all go dead right before I turned onto our street. Life sucks. My sister said I could take her car this weekend. I don't want to do that. God help me, I may ride my bike. Its 6 miles on the freeway... so considerably longer on the surface streets. But I don't want to be using someone else's car... even if I look like a douche. Last night in the Philo room I met a girl and flirted with her for a while and then gave her my number and she called me. We talked from around 10:15 pm till 3:30 am. She's smart. Getting her doctorate in psychology. Has a good sense of humor. Not at all an evil bitch like most women. Nice. Likes cats. Each of us ended up hurting each others feelings at one point... me being worse to her, stupid me... but all was forgiven and I really enjoyed talking to her. I think she enjoyed talking to me. She called me today when we were both stuck in traffic. I swore off woman last week since I needed to focus on school and myself, and now here's a really cool chick. Life sucks. I really hope I don't go all stupid. I need to be as Stoical as ol' Zeno with this one.
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Tonight I finished my first semester of Arabic. I never had a class I looked forward to going to so much, nor one in which I study and do so much work just for the sheer pleasure of it. I've wanted to take Arabic since I was 16. I remember asking my mom to let me drop out of high school so I could get my GED, go to Community College, and then transfer to the university to major in Near Eastern Studies... I had it all planned out, but a HS diploma was holy to her, and she wouldn't let me. So instead I stayed in high school hating it, not doing any work, and graduated two years late from "Adult High School." The more Arabic I learn, the more confident I become that this is what I really want to do. I have no idea what you'd do with a degree in Arabic, besides translating, but there you are. It gives me so much joy to learn new words and work out translations. This is the only subject I've taken that makes me think I can actually put up with all the other awful classes they make you take in order to get a degree. I met some nice classmates too, and I'm looking forward to taking a single subject with the same group semester after semester. My professor studied Arabic on a Fellowship in Egypt back in 60's. I really thought that was amazing. Tonight, because I'd already done the lessons ahead of time she gave me a sheet and told me I could do it on my own time if I needed something to do.... then later when I was helping a girl, she asked me "You do know there are Fellowships for studying Arabic, right?" and I said sorta, and she told me that you have to take two years of Arabic, and pass a test, but then they pay for you to study in Egypt or Syria... and that I'd need a recommendation and would I be interested in it? Which I took to mean she'd be willing to recommend me. I was really floored. I would love to be immersed in Arabic in the Middle East. but never thought I could. I haven't looked up the website for the Fellowship... and I shouldn't get too excited, because I have an awful GPA and I'm willing to bet there are more stipulations than just 2 years of study, a test, and a recommendation. I'm almost afraid to look. It gives me such motivation, and I know when I find out I can't qualify that it'll dampen my spirits somewhat. I didn't talk to the financial aid people today (mea culpa Nicky, I was napping), but by god I am going Monday. Tomorrow is pay day and it'll be too hectic for me to try it, or else I would go then. I can't wait.
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and sad